Sweeeet Dreams

I woke up so happy this morning, having just had a hilarious dream. A girl friend, faceless, and I were house sitting for someone and a few of my guy friends from Snow College came over and we were playing on the tramp, games like rolling pin and dead man's chest, etc. when I went into check on the cat in the house. When I stepped out the front door, I saw them dressed as the coconut sir lancelot and king arthor from monte pithon and the holy grail. My mystery friend had curlers in her hair and a beauty salon drapery and my guy friends were "doll"ing her up. When they saw me, they said, " we'll get you, too" and the sir lancelot character said, "come here you" and began to approach me with his egore-type walk and coconuts banging together in the background. I ran in the house and then I woke up and realized that the ceiling didn't look like I had remembered in my dream. No more dream, but I woke up laughing, wishing to go back and see what happened next. What Fun.

What matters most

What really matters? I consider this whenever I fail miserably at what I'm doing. For example, I just failed miserably at an organic chemistry exam. The information didn't have the chance to organize itself on the tip of my fingers. I just needed a little more time to think about it. Unfortunately, I didn't allow myself enough time this semester to think about everything I've dished myself.
I was anxious to graduate. Tuition is increasing, my dad was worried that I wouldn't finish school after I got pregnant, we continue to go into debt, I've been in school for six years, and whatever else I can add to the list of things to worry about..
Margaret Ruth, the love psychic on Radio from Hell, answered a caller's question that I think is quite pertinent to me. The caller had been married for 18 years (not pertinent to me) to a guy that had distanced himself from the family, just goes to work and that's enough to gain respect of the family. The caller was unhappy and wanted to leave her husband, but didn't want to be alone. Margaret Ruth said the caller would be just as unhappy separated from her distanced husband as when she was living in the same house.."consider him as a nice roommate"...and go and make yourself happy independent of what he does, take yoga, meditation, go to the gym.
I feel distanced from my husband, having passed the initial romantic stage when our son was born. Everyone whose been married or in a serious relationship for a while has probably been through this, but it doesn't make it any easier. As time goes by, we diverge further in our interests. To be honest, intimacy is our only common interest, and that at best, is weakening. Actually, we have two interests, intimacy and the result thereof, our son.
I want so much more, but I don't know how to get my hands on it. My parents divorced and my husbands parents live separate lives, so we really don't have strong role models from that direction as far as intimate relationships go. I heard somewhere that if your parents divorced, you have to work twice as hard to prevent the same fate from happening to you. Just like first generation college students, they have to work harder because they don't have parental influence in that direction. What builds a strong marriage? What makes people happy with their lives?
What really matters now and when we turn old and gray? What remains when everything else is gone? The more I live with my son and the more I invest in him, the more I love him and think that he is becoming what matters to me. Most people would say their family is the most important to them, but even Job lost his family and he still had his eternal identity. I'm pretty sure that is why my son matters more to me the more time I spend with him, I begin to see more of his identity.
Given that everything can be lost, all I have is my will and identity and that alone should make me independently happy, no matter what happens.

Sails

I bought a new dressy-type outfit for KC. His vest has a sail boat on the front. It must be a sign that today in stake conference, a member of the quorum of the seventy read the following poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

One ship drives east and another west
with the self-same winds that blow

Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
that decides the way to go

Like the winds of the sea are the waves of fate
As they voyage along through life

Tis the will of the soul that decides it's goal
and not the calm or the strife

Let our convictions (covenants to whom ever) guide us and not circumstance. This poem applies to so much of my life in learning how to teach, in personal and family goals, and in boosting my own convictions.

Pigeon Shoot

Dave and I went to an Elder's Quorum gun shoot just west of Utah Lake a week ago. I haven't shot a rifle or shotgun in a real long time, since I was a teenager. I found I haven't lost touch. I'm just as good 'a shot as I remember. With handguns, it's another story. I don't know why dave whips up such a halabalu excitement when one is in my hand. Personally, they are not my favorite, handguns that is. I love my hands themselves. Anyway, here's a picture of what I call a super soaker, except it shoots more than water.
Guns are not my favorite devices. In fact, they highly intimidate me. Since Dave and I have been married, he has taken an obsessive like to firearms and I have but to adjust to being around guns. Although they intimidate me, some guns are fun to shoot and I want to support this hobby that Dave really enjoys. I would want him to do the same for me.
We're looking into buying an S&W steel frame revolver that fits my hand so we can go to the range together. One step toward mutual hobby enjoyment is to be at a similar skill and knowledge level, so I don't get intimidated right off the range. The good news is that my competency will increase.

Wonderful World of Academia

I'm loving the start of the semester and I'm on top so far. Let's hope I will stay there through the semester. At the end of last year, depression settled at my abode, most likely due to a shortage of available income. It seems the pattern is the same every year, where the spring and summer are productive and everyone is happy and then winter sets in and right at the krux when everything is dead, the funds run out and everyone wants something of which I have none to give. I will, hopefully this year, put a bunch of happiness in storage to be used when the end of the year approaches.
I'm so glad school has started and I am anxiously engaging in a worthy cause. I have food in my belly, a babysitter for Kay, a job where I am appreciated, and some award-winning instructors at the university. The only thing missing now is time spent developing my relationship with my husband. There's not much of that going on and sexy husband let's me know about it.
I'm taking a teaching biology course...it's more of a philosophy of teaching course with the company of other biologists. Our instructor is quite insightful. Though I don't agree with every point he has to make, I do enjoy his instruction. He says the reason textbooks cost so much is because of buyback. He's biased as a textbook writer himself and says the authors wouldn't have to charge so much if they received profit everytime a book was sold. I personally think he's full of it and the authors would continue to charge what they do because they can and the book stores would then charge more for every book they sell to make profit, profit, profit.
One of the most insightful comments he made, in the two hour class that I attended, was about the minimalist's dilemma and the teacher's million dollar question. The minimalist's dilemma is that there will always be nerds out there to raise the bar. The million dollar question is: How do you push your understudies the most you can, but not too much so they don't give up? If any of you have an answer, post a comment, please and have a wonderful week-kris

Baby Blues

While at my mom's over the weekend, I got a taste of what my life use to be like. I was so free, free to go on long outings by myself, free to study, free to play in the great outdoors, free to flirt and free to have a carload of friends and go places, free from emotional attachment to anyone. More responsability gives me more consequences for thinking of myself. I have the self pity bringing me down today. Any friends I once had have their own families and don't have time for me any more.This semester I made several attempts to have people over for parties, dinner, movies, etc...everyone has an excuse. We had one movie night with some friends, of which I spent most of the time calming K.C. Thank the Lord I have my family to turn too. I'm going to my dad's for new year's celebration while Dave goes to a bowl game in New Orleans. I can't help but think that if I wasn't a mom, I would have been able to work more and afford the trip. It's terribly hard to work these days. I was a real hard worker while I was pregnant and before and I can't get back into the swing of things. Being on welfare depleats any pride I had left in any accomplishments I once had. Inside it's not about the money, but the principle...I received some mula for Christmas, but it didn't make me any happier. I really have nothing to complain about. I did okay in my classes last semester, with a B in Organic Chemistry, I was in the top twenty percent of my class.
K.C. went to his four month check-up today. I was dreading the vaccination part, but he did ten times better than last round, with only a 30 second weak cry afterward. He's still off the charts for height and weighs 17 lbs 6 oz. We have a healthy baby except for a minor case of exzema. I'm greatful for that.
I just feel oppressed right now when I must stay home and get no sleep, scratches and smacks to the face in a pile of clutter while sexy husband goes out to explore the world and feel accomplished. It is, I fear, the load so many women must bear. Peace and self confidence be with us all- Kris